The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!