The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
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One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit