The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Saturday
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not