[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
the h in university stands for happiness
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn’t here
*wife walks in with police officer*
“did you take a knife to a job interview”
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
If a restaurant can afford to advertise on national television, you should never eat there
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?