Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
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The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
podcasts
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.