The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
The pasta is now
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do