Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
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Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I switched my cellphone to ‘airplane mode’ and threw it up into the air.. must tell you: WORST. TRANSFORMER. EVER.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer.
Everyone knows she can’t get pregnant if she’s on top. It’s called gravity, stupid.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.