I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
You Might Also Like
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.