The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
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I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Guys, I found it.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨