@chrissyteigen

the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram

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@MichaelTrying

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

@charliedelta7

My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?

Me: I’m not that old.

4: You’re not new.

Me: Go to bed.

@nice_mustard

endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS

@HollywoodPalms

A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?

Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.

HR…

Me: There’s no past tense with that one.

@Jandalize

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

@pilau

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

@saltymermaident

My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger