the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Free him
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
also my go-to takeaway order
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
bears
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms