Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
My 4yo: Dad, you’re old, right?
Me: I’m not that old.
4: You’re not new.
Me: Go to bed.
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
A note of apology to the people who complained about our #BlackPanther posts, saying “Wakanda isn’t real”:
HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?
Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.
Me: There’s no past tense with that one.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass
Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food
Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white
Synopsis: My cat is a cow
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger