the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.