date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
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I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Dietest Coke
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
saw this in a dream
Finally!
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???