@realHamOnWry

The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

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@petridishes

from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog

@IamEveryDayPpl

That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…

@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

@lasergirl70

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

@robdelaney

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

@madee_kha

do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.