The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument

…the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.

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from Jabba the Hutt’s perspective Star Wars is the story of a guy who owed him money and then instead of paying had his friends murder him


DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog


That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…


My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark


My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.


Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol


do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence


I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.