the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Science memes
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
$4 #usedbooks
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
No, YOUR illiterate.