the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?