@Swishergirl24

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

You Might Also Like

@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

@iwearaonesie

*opens cupboard*
*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*

@yaboydil

Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
“Who, dad?”
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.

@DaddyJew

Cop: have you been drinking?

Me: nah

Cop: please take off your sombrero

@EmmaUtters

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

@geowizzacist

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

@ms__pauline

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

@Brampersandon_

[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*

@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.