[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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*catches glass before it falls on my head*
*puts it back in the same spot to test wife’s reflexes*
Guess who I ran into today, Billy.
Your dog, son. I hit your dog with the car.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Cop: have you been drinking?
Cop: please take off your sombrero
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…