The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
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He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
going to the ER y’all need anything
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.