@SuperApple80

The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.

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@tastefactory

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

@Juven_Naidoo

A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.

@batkaren

Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.

@nellyweather

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

@Skoog

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

@boring_as_heck

The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”

@murrman5

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

@omgthatspunny

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

@Eye_Of_Madara

I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.

@GeorgiaSweet20

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.