I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.
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A policeman walks into a bar. The bar is now being charged for assaulting a police officer.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.