if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
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Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.