The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”