The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
You Might Also Like
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
“A little help here, Danny?”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one