The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
Risking my life for fun.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
He wanted to make sure😂
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.