@mamapjs1

The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

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@murrman5

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

@BigJDubz

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@AimeeHelene1

I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.

@AnemoneOh

Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese

@joeyhuggles

Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.

@Shade510

Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later

@TheTweetOfGod

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

@llvvzzz

Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.