The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.

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[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs




Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.


I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.


Date: what kind of work do you do?
Me: I dabble in real estate
[Dad yells down the stairs]
She visits open houses and eats the free cheese


Wifey is giving me the Silent Treatment for spending the entire night on Twitter. Win/Win, you guys… Win/Win.


Her: Umm…Where are you going?

Me: Walking the dog.

Her: When you get back, we need to talk.

* walks dog…returns 3 days later


White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.


Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.