The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Meow
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.