@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@ThisOneSayz

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@thesulk

Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

@NotZaphod

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

@ohthatbadger

Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.

@jonnysun

*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin

@papasuncle

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

@rebrafsim

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

@bartandsoul

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”