Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
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“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”