The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie


“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?


Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”


Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.


Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.


All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.


Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.


*explosiom of light*
*univrse is created*
*earth forms*
*plants grow*
*a grape fals off a vine adn drys*
evreythimg hapens for a raisin


Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.


Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger


My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”