@yenniwhite

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

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@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@SocialustGal13

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.

@DadandBuried

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

@AndyAsAdjective

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

@UnFitz

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

@Jake_Vig

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

@professorkiosk

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

@BettieLoves

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.