The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
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My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.