The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

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[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween. Guess they don’t like random people coming up to their door.


Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!


Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.


Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?


VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.


God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.


I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.