The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

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I feel creepy every time I ‘follow’ someone. Where are they going to take me? I hope its somewhere good


Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.


Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually


Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am

girl: i asked for water

me: patience, Linda


The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.


New rule: You’re not allowed to be condescending unless you can spell it.


My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.


me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]