If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
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Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I don’t think my car can fly
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot