@zgbetty

The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.

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@TheAlexNevil

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

@TheTweetOfGod

“Scientology” is a combination of “scient-,” meaning “science,” and “-ology,” meaning “science.” And it just gets stupider from there.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

@SortaBad

JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody

ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-

JOHN LENNON: not just anybody

ME: damn wow okay

@nopoweradeinusa

parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide

@Mr_Kapowski

*hears a loud noise outside of bedroom door at night*

*wife reaches over* “Honey- WHERE ARE YOU?”

*already locked myself in the bathroom*

@Home_Halfway

ME: I thought we’d try something new in the bedroom tonight

WIFE: Oh really, I like that

ME: *holds her hands* Babe, let’s tape the bed to the ceiling so we can sleep like bats

@BoothysTweets

[goes to walmart]

[later]

Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?

Me: Even better than that…

[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]

@FreudsTwin

The funny thing about fast food is, that it slows down the people who eat it.

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?