The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
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People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]