the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
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Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.