@phoebe_bridgers

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

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@TheBeerGuy73

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

@lisaxy424

No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.

@BuckyIsotope

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

@_cingraham

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

@Jandalize

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

@ThaJawn

(prostate exam)

Dr: WOW! I’ve never seen this before

Me: OMG! WHAT

*loud click

Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE

Dr:.. And send

Me: WTF?

@HollyMemphis

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@ThatsSoCorri

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!