The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
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Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.