The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

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I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.


the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words



1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.


I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.


[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?


If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.


me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?

car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt


[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what


Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework


The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.