the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
A man of commitment.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma