That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
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Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Meeeee too!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.