The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
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If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Lol.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy