dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain