Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.

International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*

Me: Yep. That’s the one.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’

I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?

13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?

me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.

(yawn)

I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.

When you didn’t plan your story very well.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her

Cop: Why are you speeding?

Me: I’m super late for work

Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down

Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work

Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.

This meeting could have been a cake

My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*

Me: Well. Hi.

My cat: You’re very clingy.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine

now i lay me down to sleep
i pray the lord my soul to keep
and if i die before i wake
please hurl my phone into a lake

I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.

Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen