The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
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“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.