I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend