@envydatropic
@Darlainky
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
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@Darlainky
@novicefather
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
@AndyAsAdjective
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
@Tmoney68
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
@Writepop
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
@better_off_dad
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
@PaperWash
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
@daddydoubts
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
@ThomasSowell
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
@solsayswhaaa
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend