The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
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a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.