the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The Birdles
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[loses house key, starts a new life]
oh you wanna fight?!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.