The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.