She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds
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My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES