@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

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@Roclogic

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

@benedictevans

My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@Dani_Feld

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

@chuuew

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

@KalvinMacleod

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

@Gooooats

I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.

@DrakeGatsby

Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?

Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.

Her: I meant good times with us.

Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.

@Staggfilms

[yelling over the music to club DJ]

ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES