@Roclogic
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
@HorryPuttor
The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds
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@Roclogic
@benedictevans
My son just turned on my parents radio and said ‘hey, Google!’ Perplexed that it didn’t respond.
@pittdave13
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
@Dani_Feld
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
@PleaseBeGneiss
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
@chuuew
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
@KalvinMacleod
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
@Gooooats
I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.
@DrakeGatsby
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
@Staggfilms
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES