@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

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@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine

@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@LosLos__

Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.

@ariscott

[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast

@mattgallo123

The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.

@MUMSIEesq

My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.

@mela_shea

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

@cuppajosh

With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!