@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

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@iwearaonesie

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I am so against vaccines

ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio

@stevevsninjas

customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames

@wheresthesnacks

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

@anbrll00

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

@Crunch11b

Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

@MomOnFire

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

@UnFitz

I remember when things only cost an arm.

@0point5twins

“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”

“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”

“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”

@MooseAllain

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!