@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

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@Bollingmargaret

3 year old daughter: “I want marijuana.”
Me: “What did you say?”
3 year old: “Marijuana.”
Me: “Huh? I don’t know what you’re asking for.”
3 year old gets remote and turns on Netflix and points to movie.
Me: “OOOHHH…Moana!”

@Kyle_Lippert

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@ieatanddrink

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

@LeciJ_

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

@GirlRestrained

Hahaha stupid person… When it says 55mph it really means 64mph………Idiot turtle person

@curlycomedy

The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.

@aligarchy

the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get

@mishakey

I found some dignity. If no one claims it in 24 hours, I’m keeping it.