The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

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Her: I’m going to the gym

Me: Bring me back something from the vending machine


I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.


Wife: Is that a pencil in your pocket, or are you just…

Me: It’s a piece of toast.


[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast


The only thing more shocking than finding water on planet Mars would be finding me in Planet Fitness.


My husband went camping w/ his buddies. He packed a hatchet, 2 liters of Jack & a 3yo’s Hello Kitty sleeping bag. He’s gonna die out there.


The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.


With 10K characters, I can finally get into great detail about how I’m not allowed at the company family picnic any more!