*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
You Might Also Like
A roof is a house hat.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.