Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
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My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
how much does a mortician urn in a year
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor