The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
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Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car