The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
describing stardew valley
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.