How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
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Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Who did it better?