the #horror is real!
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It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me