I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
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Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS