@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

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@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@JurassicPark2go

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

@Shen_the_Bird

cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller

detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today

@EndhooS

Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.

@GrantTanaka

there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy

@JRevard

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

@NervousJr

Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.

@amazymay72x

*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
*scratches armpit*

Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.

@fro_vo

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems