THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
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Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison