@Iwriteforcats

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

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Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

@AsphaltFarmboy

My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library. I said “WTF man, it’s 2015. You can use whatever printer you want.”

@AimeeHelene1

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

@lasergirl70

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

@MindyFurano

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

@WigCannon

What if the missing plane is still up there?
“What?”
Did you check the sky?
“No.”
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

@Ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”