I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
SO MUCH BLOOD!
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
-It’s raining men.
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we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
My son’s teacher spelled play doh like play doe
I. Am. Concerned
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Doctor: Anything else?
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Whenever you’re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there’s people that pay money to exercise.
*coughs like a maniac*
*pretends to pick nose*
Things I will do on the bus so no one will sit next to me.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems