THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
man i love columbo
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
If you know, you know
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”