the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
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Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Tastes like chicken.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day