I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
Me – your wife is hot
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.