@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

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@NathanBgood

“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors

@AnniemuMary

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

@MomofTeen

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

@BigJDubz

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

@AllanForsyth

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.

@FlyoverJoel

The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.

@xLiserx

My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.