the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

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“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors


Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.


My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.


Wife – remember to compliment the host


Me – your wife is hot


Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.


The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.


My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.