The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
You Might Also Like
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books