@blade_funner

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

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@rickolantern

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

@dumbbeezie

I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic

@Browtweaten

*At the magic show*

Magician: Now I need a volunteer

Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*

Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT

@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

@IamEnidColeslaw

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

@huntigula

Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl

@iCumBl00d

My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@illuminatedwndr

cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”

@JermHimselfish

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together