My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
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I deserve an Oscar for acting like I can see a baby when someone shows me an ultrasound pic
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My favorite part of church is when they pass around free money.
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
cop pulls me over 2nite. comes 2 my window n asks, Cop: “do you know y i pulled u over?” Me: “because Batman is catching all the criminals”
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together