My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Happy weekend !
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
#parenting
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway