I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
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Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
Growing out my freckles.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
peep davidson
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon