The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
You Might Also Like
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
what could possibly go wrong?
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Thinking about Jeff
