Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.

Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,

“I’m hungry”

when they ask you if you have anything to declare.

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.

Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.

If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.

independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas

My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast

[Next morning, after I make pancakes]

My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal

WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

It’s his time